If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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