don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
