it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
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But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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