dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
