I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
