apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
