It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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