dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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