she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
