My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
