my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
