Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
