woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
