Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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