so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
