A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
