wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
