She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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