Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
