Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
