I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
