you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
