I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
