Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
