I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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