Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
