I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
