There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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