Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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