I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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