i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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