So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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