I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
