So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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