last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
