Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
