Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
