JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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