im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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