we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just googled if crying burns calories
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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