Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
