Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
