I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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