Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
