guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize