I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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