Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
