i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I party with great urgency now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
