I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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