the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
