I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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