So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
