i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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