I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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